Just an excuse for more Erling Haaland content, really, but here’s a team of players who have made the biggest difference to the new clubs this season so far.
We decided that cheating to include a cross would be less terrible than leaving it outside, so we cheated…
Goalkeeper Nick Pope (Newcastle)
For all the current and future cash infusions at Newcastle, the £10m Burnley made way for the England goalkeeper could end up among the more shrewd bits of work. Newcastle may be a little disappointed so far this season, but without Bob the start might actually be seen as poor.
His three clean sheets led him to 50 Premier League goals, while his claw tackled Adam Lallana’s header from close range in front of Brighton, saved a point for Newcastle in that match, and most importantly gave him first-ever Castrol. The Premier League Save of the Month award, the largest of all the Premier League awards. Touch wood, it currently appears that there is no curse on the Save of the Month award, but we remain vigilant.
Right-back – Rasmus Christensen (Leeds)
One of the many Red Bull recruits in Leeds, Jesse Marsh is in fact far from the most convincing yet. Fantastic attacking defender in Salzburg – scored 10 and assisted eight in 45 games last season – but He admitted that getting into our league was difficult for him.
However, we are) struggling for a right-back and (b) scoring very high in the Getting Better When Not In The Team classic matrix after missing the 5-2 defeat at Brentford that remains – and will do so again 10 days now – Leeds last match. It’s kind of an effect, isn’t it? Leeds have not lost 5-2 in any match she has I played in it. Reality.
CB – William Saliba (Arsenal)
Outrageous cheating, but it would be silly to dismiss it just because it’s not actually a newcomer. He’s a newcomer to Arsenal’s Premier League squad and he’s also excellent. That’s good enough for us, and it should be good enough for you. Stop complaining. Two goals were a great bonus as well as his intractable defensive work, and he is the proud owner of the most beautiful chant in the Premier League.
CB – Conor Coady (Everton)
A joint award with James Tarkowski, they are jointly responsible for the heart of Everton’s defensive ship. Frank Lampard has not been able to organize a defense in either Derby or Chelsea, but at Everton he has done very well so far and this is due to the clever recruitment of two England midfielders who know the Premier League from front to front and from the inside out. They’re not glamorous deals, but signings that could keep Lampard in a job and Everton in the Premier League. Only Brighton have conceded fewer goals than Everton, which is the same when you look at what is happening at the other end.
Left-back – Oleksandr Zinchenko (Arsenal)
If the Premier League really cares about competitive fairness and the depth of competition, it will almost certainly force all clubs to take in important Manchester City players every summer. But they will not, because they are cowards.
Midfielder – Joao Balenha (Fulham)
Fulham has been one of the most satisfying things of the Premier League season, with impressive performances and results. The force of nature exemplified by Aleksandar Mitrovic has obviously attracted a lot of attention, and fair enough, but the Cottagers’ ability to compete with the best in the middle of the park has been a critical component of their success so far and Portugal international Palhinha has been key. His current specialties include scoring goals in 3-2 wins, which is a specialist, as well as getting all yellow cards. He’s already gotten the suspension for doing five things in just seven games, which is sub-optimal but we can’t help but admire him. We also like the obvious restraint in a man who gets one yellow card every 124 minutes but has so far managed to stay in tight lock for 164 minutes without dropping. It will probably fall off eventually, but it still is.
Midfielder – Christian Eriksen (Manchester United)
Folly when United was folly, excellent when United was excellent. He didn’t yet have the numbers in the stats columns but that will surely come and his quiet economic credibility since Erik ten Hag realized using him as a striker was a bad idea that was a huge part of United’s transformation into Les Chet.
AM – Andreas Pereira (Fulham)
We found ourselves amazed that when looking at Pereira’s stats this season, there’s almost none there because every time we’ve seen Fulham he’s looked really good. Maybe we’re only thinking about the Brentford game. But he was definitely really good at it and we’ve already written his name down by now.
Right winger – Gabriel Jesus (Arsenal)
Former Arsenal striker Kevin Campbell brilliantly described the signing of Jesus for only £45 million By saying ‘we got in with the masks’ and he certainly relishes the responsibility of being the full-time attacking captain of a team currently almost as good as the team he has left. Let’s all enjoy the irony that made him excel with Arsenal in this team and move to the winger by having Erling Haaland, the very thing he left City to avoid.
LW – Richarlison (Tottenham Hotspur)
He didn’t score any goals or anything like that, not in the Premier League anyway, but look who’s standing next to him and ahead of him on the front line. Just like at Tottenham, we don’t necessarily really need goals from Richarlison in this squad; We need positive feedback. His start at Tottenham was incredibly lively. Really, it’s impressive as a striker to put yourself under the Big Six Spotlight, not score any goals in six matches, and yet have no pressure build on you from the outside and unanimously agree that you’ve already shown your good signature.
Admittedly, his impact on Spurs is quite intangible, domestically at least because the Champions League campaign would have already been a complete mess without him, but that is also undeniable. For example, while it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why or how, we know deep in our bones that Tottenham wouldn’t have drawn it at Chelsea without Richarlison’s chaotic energy off the bench. Blessed with Kane’s clinical wit, Kulusevsky’s strength and wit and Sohn’s impulsiveness, Richarlison brings chaos. Fifty million pounds of chaos.
CF – Erling Haaland (Manchester City)
Totally absurd. It’s going to be a long old season for those of us who have spent the summer playing with their beards and going ‘Yeah, it’s obviously cool but it’s actually to improve city? Hmm? though? Yes, is the answer to that. Yes he will. It will break all records. He has already hit many of them And they launched a thousand “Are We Peasants?” Mitchell and Web memes.